Political Disagreements in Families: How to Stay Connected When You See the World Differently

Political Differences Feel Real Personal Nowadays

Political disagreements used to be debates. Now, they can feel like betrayals.

More and more, I see couples and families whose tension is exacerbated by political disagreements. When someone we love holds a political view we find harmful or absurd, it’s becoming harder not to see it as a reflection of their character. We stop seeing a person with a story and start seeing someone who is fundamentally flawed in how they orient themselves towards justice, compassion, and equality.

"Political disagreements used to be debates. Now, they kind of feel like betrayals."

And of course it is. The consequences of our political views seem to ripple further than they used to. In recent years we have seen, perhaps in a new way, the disruptive power that politicians wield. We've learned that what we believe directly influences the policies we vote for, the leaders we empower, and the social norms we reinforce.

Holding a particular belief today can shape not just our own quality of life, but the moral and material realities of entire communities. No wonder if it feels so personal. Because in many ways, it is. Our politics are not abstract preferences... they’re expressions of the kind of world we’re all trying to survive in.

So when we see your partner or a loved one put on a red hat, or post an extreme stance on social media, a part of us naturally concludes that there is some fundamental difference in their moral standing that seems irreconcilable with our own.

BUT...

What if these divisions aren’t always about character and moral judgements - and sometimes just about epistemology: how we come to know what we know? And what if... it just so happens that we live in a very unique time in which knowing the truth is harder than ever?

So Much Information And So Little Clarity

We live in an age where every fact, every interpretation, every “expert” is a click away. The raw data of the world is everywhere, but it’s overwhelming.

Daniel Kahneman, winner of the Nobel Memorial Prize in Economics, explains that humans don’t base confidence in their beliefs on completeness of data, but rather on the coherence of limited data. We build belief systems not because we have all the data points but from the few that fit neatly together. A lot of people really only need 3 to 4 coherent data points to form a very strong opinion.

"Humans don't base confidence in their beliefs on completeness of data, but rather on the coherence of limited data."

In this day and age where there is so much data: that means two people can look at the same topic and form completely different — yet internally coherent — stories.

So when we start calling our loved ones “misinformed” (politely putting it) or “wrong” (also politely putting it), we’re often missing the deeper truth: we are all relying on limited data to build a world that makes sense to us.

The Humility of Not Knowing

Maybe the first step toward repairing political rifts isn’t persuasion — it’s humility. Acknowledging that all of us are navigating an impossible flood of information, each trying to build meaning, safety, and belonging in a confusing world.

I am reminded of this quote by Richard Thaler:

“People aren’t dumb. The world is hard.”

Coming from the founder of behavioral economics, often called the study of human irrationality, that sentence carries grace. It reminds us that people’s mistakes or blind spots aren’t signs of stupidity, it's that discerning truth in this world is harder than ever.

Curiosity returns when we remember that we all know very little. And connection rebuilds when we make room for each other’s humanity before judging each other’s conclusions.

How to Approach Political Disagreements in the Family: Humility, Grace, and Curiosity

I wish I could give you three or four clear tips here — something tidy and actionable, like a checklist for staying calm or finding common ground. But to do that would be a disservice to how difficult these conversations actually are.

There’s no formula for talking politics with people you love. There’s only an orientation — one that leans toward humility, grace, and curiosity.

It starts with remembering that every conclusion someone (including yourself) reaches is a function of their humanity — their experiences, fears, emotional scar tissues, biases, and hopes, flaws and all. And if you can sit with someone else's experience long enough, you might momentarily see the world through their eyes and think: “I don't agree with you, but I can see why you believe what you believe.”

So next time a political conversation turns tense, try this: Instead of asking, “How could you believe that?” perhaps you can ask, “How did you come to see it that way?” You might not change each other’s minds, but you might change the tone. And in divided times, that small act of humility is its own kind of wisdom.

A Final Reflection

I'm going to use this post as an excuse to share one of my very favourite quotes, from a philosopher named John Stuart Mill. He is writing here about why it is so important for society to foster the ability to disagree with one another... and the consequences of no longer being able to do so. (I suspect Mill was never taught what a 'run-on' sentence was and I apologize for his behalf):

"The fact, however, is, that not only the grounds of the opinion are forgotten in the absence of discussion, but too often the meaning of the opinion itself. The words which convey it cease to suggest ideas, or suggest only a small portion of those they were originally employed to communicate. Instead of a vivid conception and a living belief, there remain only a few phrases retained by rote; or, if any part, the shell and husk only of the meaning is retained, the finer essence being lost.”

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Works Cited

• Kahneman, Daniel. Thinking, Fast and Slow. New York: Farrar, Straus and Giroux, 2011.

• Mill, John Stuart. On Liberty. London: John W. Parker and Son, 1859.

• Thaler, Richard H., and Stephen J. Dubner. “People Aren’t Dumb. The World Is Hard.” Freakonomics Radio, episode 452, November 18, 2021. https://freakonomics.com/podcast/people-arent-dumb-the-world-is-hard/

Photo by Vitaly Gariev on Unsplash