"Fire in the hole!" Disrupting Dysfunctional Family Dynamics By Blowing Up Normal
- Peter Wong
- Aug 16
- 3 min read
Throw Grenades. Embrace Whimsy
A few years ago, I ran a tiny experiment with my sons. I told them, “For the next 30 minutes, I’m only going to say what I love and appreciate about you.” They were delighted - mostly because Dad was officially banned from telling them what to do.
The idea for the experiment came from an uncomfortable moment: I’d heard my own voice on a candid home video, and the ratio of words aimed at instructions, cautions, and corrections was… brutal.
“Hey, clear the table please… ah-ah, two hands on the plate… nope, nope… don’t hold the plate over your head.”
I felt dejected. Is this the baseline of how my kids experience me?
So we tried the appreciation-only half hour. And for those 30 minutes - magic. Giggles everywhere, new thoughts, a different fabric of connection. With one playful rule, we threw a grenade into our family’s patterns and blew it up. And it gave us a chance to start building a new pattern in its place.
The Power of Disruption
Families run on routines - spoken and unspoken. Who leads, who follows, who cracks the joke, who rolls their eyes. Everyone knows their part. That’s why the same arguments play out over and over again. It’s not that anyone likes it - it’s just the script everyone knows.
Because family dysfunction is often a predictable, choreographed script - we can make some pretty big changes just by making a move the system doesn’t expect.
And suddenly, the old pattern can’t run its course. Everyone has to adjust.
It doesn’t take a grand gesture. Often it’s the small, surprising moves: a sticky note of gratitude, a playful rule at dinner, a box of chocolates for someone who doesn’t expect it - that create the biggest ripple.
One new move can’t fix everything. But it can crack the door open to something different. And sometimes, that’s all a family needs.
Ideas to Help You Blow Up Your Family's Normal
If your family is stuck in patterns that need to change - maybe it’s time to pull the pin and toss that grenade into your family’s normal routine. You don’t have to tell anyone what you’re doing. In fact, sometimes it’s better that you don’t. The element of surprise can be wonderfully disruptive.
Now - these ideas may sound simple and whimsical - but that doesn’t mean they’re easy. In fact, I think they require an incredible amount of courage and intentionality. Chances are, if your family has been in conflict for a long time - some of these ideas may feel unbearably risky. And if that’s the case, it’s probably time to seek a family therapist.
The Appreciation Window
Choose 10–30 minutes where you only name what you enjoy, admire, or appreciate. No coaching. No fixes.
A Warm Greeting at the Door When someone comes home, stop what you’re doing, go meet your family member at the door and offer a hug or a high-five.
Default Answer: YES! This is great for us parents who realize that our default answer to our children's (and partner’s) requests is “No” or “Maybe”. Switch that default to, “Let’s try to make it happen!” while still setting reasonable and healthy boundaries.
Silent Gratitude Notes Leave a sticky note where the person will find it: “Thanks for taking the garbage out. Noticed it. Appreciated it.”
A Note on Safety and Fit
Disruption is not about tolerating mistreatment or walking on eggshells to keep the peace. If your family has active abuse, coercion, or substance-fuelled volatility, get support from a professional and prioritize safety. And if your family is already making big changes (new baby, move, grief), start with very gentle experiments.
Disrupting Dysfunctional Family Dynamics
If the “normal” way of doing things in your family leaves you stuck in the same arguments, the same silences, the same eye-rolls… maybe it’s time to stop trying harder at the same script.
Sometimes the healthiest thing you can do is blow up dysfunctional family dynamics and try something unexpected. Not with anger, not with drama - but with a whimsically positive move no one saw coming: A hug at the door instead of a task list. A note of gratitude.
That’s how systems shift: not all at once, but one surprising act at a time. So if normal isn’t working, don’t double down. Blow it up - with kindness, humour, and just enough mischief to remind your family that change is possible.
And if the family is so volatile that any of these changes feel too risky? That’s OK too. That just means the family needs a little more emotional safety before grenades are welcome. That’s what the therapy office is for. We hope you reach out.
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