How to Find the Right Therapist (Part 1): Connection Matters!

Why the Right Relationship Is More Important Than the Right Technique

You’ve finally decided to look for a therapist, you’ve jumped on Google or some other therapist directory, and it took you about 90 seconds to realize that there are a million therapists and you have no idea how to pick one. 

In this blog series, we want to provide a thorough guide to help you navigate the tedious, overwhelming task of finding the right therapist. We’ll start with general principles but we’ll also give you practical tips later on. In this particular entry, we’re going to start with what may be the most important principle - and one that you may find somewhat surprising

Find a therapist that you like and likes you.

Because the most powerful predictor of successful therapy is the quality of your relationship with your therapist.

If you have an eyebrow raised in confusion (and a little suspicion), you’re not alone. A lot of clients come into therapy with the following expectations:

1. I have a problem. 

2. I go to a therapist. 

3. The therapist tells me what to do. 

4. I do the thing.

5. Problem solved!
   

Sounds nice, but most of the time, an expert telling you to “do the thing” just doesn’t trigger neuroplasticity powerfully enough to create sustained changes to big problems. So what does? Brace yourself: Entering a real, meaningful relationship with someone who really gets it (even the dark parts) and genuinely likes you as a person. 

What?! Not what you expected? Give me a chance to explain.

Problems That We Can't Change Alone

Real, meaningful change is difficult. If you're like most of us, you grew up believing that change was a function of personal choice and willpower. And that's worked for you - sometimes, and for certain things. Maybe you've finally developed that healthy gym habit, or you've broken that late night Oreo habit (good for you, by the way). But maybe there are other problems that you've tried to tackle with that same willpower, but those changes don't seem to stick.

I'm anxious all the time. No matter what I do it just doesn't go away.

I don't want to lash at my children, but I can't seem to control myself.

I know this addiction is killing me - I keep coming back to it anyway.

Sound familiar? You're not alone. At some point, we've all found ourselves stuck - despite our best personal efforts. In therapy, we believe that these stuck points are often just tangled up layers of unmet needs, internal conflict, and protective mechanisms. And with these sorts of problems, research has found that relationship (of the deeply empathic sort) may be the catalyst that people need to confront their issues with clarity and courage.

Why Connection Matters So Much

Decades of research—from Carl Rogers’ early work on unconditional positive regard¹ to John Norcross’ massive reviews of therapy outcomes²—show that the quality of the relationship between you and your therapist is one of the most powerful predictors of success in therapy. Not the method, not the theory, not even the years of experience (though these are all important too).

There are several possible reasons for why this is:

First, the problems we get stuck in aren't just bad habits or poor choices — they're often tangled up in layers of internal conflict, unmet needs, and protective mechanisms that have been built up over time. To really help you navigate that messy internal world, a therapist needs to really get it — not just the surface level stuff, but the complicated, vulnerable, often embarrassing places underneath.

Secondly, we're a lot more open to change when we explore it with a therapist that truly sees the best in us. Maybe you have someone like that in your life. They give you the benefit of the doubt, and suddenly you don't feel the need to be so defensive. They believe you, so you don't need to keep trying to prove the validity of your experience. They genuinely think you're great, so when they highlight something that's keeping you stuck, you're inclined to really take that to heart.

And there’s some fascinating brain science behind it too. Neuroscientist Louis Cozolino explains that positive relationships don't just feel good — they literally rewire neural circuits. When we feel deeply connected with someone, our mirror neurons and “theory of mind” circuits light up, helping us become more self-aware, more resilient, and more open to change.³ So - for good therapy, the right fit isn’t just nice - it may be necessary.

“The right fit isn’t just nice—it may be necessary.”

Green Flags to Watch For

So now that you know that connection is essential, how do you know if you’ve found the right person? Here are a few green flags to look for in your consult call or your first few sessions:

• You feel like they get it After talking to your therapist, you feel like they’re able to really step in your shoes and understand what it’s like to be you.

• You feel like you’d like to talk to them again That’s a good sign something good is happening! (and FYI, the feeling’s mutual)

• You find yourself saying things you've never told people before Not just small talk honest - but “the things that people judge you for” honest.

• You trust your therapist In therapy, you’re about to go into some deep trenches. Does your therapist give you the sense that they care enough to jump right in there with you?

  
  

If you walk away feeling more connected to yourself after talking to them—that’s a good sign.

What If It Doesn’t Feel Right?

This is important: if you don’t feel that your therapist gets it—or at least the potential for trust and safety—keep looking! Not every therapist will be your therapist.

Therapists are trained to understand this. A good one won’t be offended if you decide to go a different direction. Some of us even help clients find someone who will be a better fit—because that’s the goal. We want you to heal, not just hang out.

How to Find The Right Therapist: In Summary

If you’re trying to find the right therapist, here’s what to focus on:

✅ Do I feel seen and understood?

✅ Do I enjoy being around my therapist?

✅ Do I feel safe enough to be honest?

✅ Do I feel like this person is with me?

If you’re still figuring it out, stay tuned for Part 2, where we’ll dig into the weird 3 to 4 letter therapy style acronyms every profile refers to (without making your brain melt), and how to match those to your personality and goals.

But for now? Start with the connection. Because chances are, you're more likely to heal in a real relationship than with an expert analyzing you.

Works Cited

1. Rogers, Carl R. On Becoming a Person: A Therapist’s View of Psychotherapy. Houghton Mifflin Harcourt, 1995.

2. Norcross, John C., ed. Psychotherapy Relationships That Work: Evidence-Based Responsiveness. 3rd ed., Oxford University Press, 2021.

3. Cozolino, Louis. The Neuroscience of Psychotherapy: Healing the Social Brain. 3rd ed., W. W. Norton & Company, 2017.

   
   

If you're searching for a therapist who values empathy and authenticity, we’d love to meet you! At Therapy Grove, we believe healing starts with a relationship that makes you feel understood and delighted in. Book a free 15-minute consult - we’ll tackle it together.

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